Here are a few great political jokes that landed in my mailbox as of late...enjoy. Some are nice, some are weird, and a few just
plain naughty :-) NOTE: I am assuming that
these have not come from copyrighted sources. New jokes are at the top, the oldest one is at the bottom.
WARNING: THESE MAY OFFEND SOME, OK?
Political Systems According to Cows
This was the one I was looking for; I guess I could change the cows to chickens, but I'm too lazy.
Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Real World Communism
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.
Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
Pure Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Capitalism
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
Environmentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
I know there are a whole bunch of great jokes involving politics and chickens, and even though this
isn't the one I was thinking of, it's still pretty good:
QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?
ANSWERS:
Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Bill Gates:
I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND
balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
George Orwell:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the
road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Mulder:
It was a government conspiracy.
Scully:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
Joseph Stalin:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the
road.
Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
From the mouths of babes:
This little boy goes to his dad...asks dad "What is politics?"....Dad
says, "well Son, let me try to explain it this way:
"I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the People, the nanny...we'll consider her the Working Class, and
your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that,
and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother
sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in
bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good Son,
tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being
ignored and the Future is in deep s---".
THE 16 LESSER KNOWN PRESIDENTIAL EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGES
(really a Clinton joke, but you never know)
16> Executive dibs on fries in the bottom of the bag... anywhere, any time,
*any* bag
15> Authorized to dispatch towel-wielding Secret Service agents at White
House pool parties to apply stinging "rat-tails"
14> "You're Greek? Hey, come on up to my place tonight and we'll lob a
couple of missiles at Istanbul."
13> 5-Day video rentals from Justice Thomas's "personal collection"
12> Prerogative to suspend constitutional prohibition on "Cruel and Unusual
Punishment" should he feel like appearing in public wearing gym shorts
11> The "President's Dozen" -- 15 doughnuts for the price of 12 at all DC
doughnut shops
10> Platinum membership in The Players Club AND front-row seats at any
"Wrestlemania" event
9> In case of pants-too-tight emergencies, there's Gertie, the little-used
corset-cincher left over from the McKinley administration
8> When competing on Jeopardy, not required to answer in the form of a
question
7> Goodbye, Extra Value Meal -- hello, Super-sized Extra Value Meal with
Apple Pie and Milkshake!
6> Somebody piss you off? Make their yard a national park and it'll be
wall-to-wall Winnebagos.
5> Can order lawn mowed by upside-down Marine Corps helicopter
4> One GET OUT OF LAWSUIT FREE card per term
3> Allowed to bring bucket of fried chicken to opera performances at Lincoln
Center
2> Commander-in-Chief status + surplus Patriot missiles = 1 bitchin'
4th of July!
...and the Number 1 Lesser Known Presidential Executive Privilege...
1> Unlimited Murphy's Oil to maintain Vice President's natural wood-grain
luster
BUSH & QUAYLE SPEAK
In the age of recordable time, politicians probably regret the fact that everything they
say is caught on tape (or do, for that matter!). All it takes is one slip of the tongue, and
wouldn't you know it, your whole campaign is down the drain. Our Prime Minister Jean Chretien is
probably the most famous for verbal bungling; afflicted with a type of dyslexia, the PM once
told a crowd of fund raisers that Canada without Quebec was like a boat without whores. Of course,
he really meant "oars".
"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come
into the White House and start offering it up, you know? I bet if they did,
I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"
[George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students]
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've
had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex... uh... setbacks."
[George Bush ]
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy.
But that could change."
[Dan Quayle]
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the
Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right
here."
[Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989]
"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are
more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
[George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline]
Walter Mondale: "George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize."
Bush: "Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time."
A couple of years ago I saw a book I wish I would have bought - it was all the dumb things
that Pat Buchanan had ever said. If anyone knows the title, please
let me know!
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