AMAZING SEX JOKES II

Page added May-20-99

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!"

This one is pretty nasty:

A newlywed couple goes to bed early on Christmas night. The wife awakes in the middle of the night, wakes her husband and says: "Honey, honey wake up! I had the most amazing dream!"

Husband: "Huh, what was it?"

Wife: "In my dream I saw a Christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of dicks. There was big ones, small ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect dick: it was long and thick!"

Husband: "Well, it was my dick, right?"

Wife: "No, it was Dennis Rodman's!"

The husband, somewhat annoyed that his wife awoke him to tell him about a dream about Dennis Rodmans dick, rolled over and went to sleep. Later that evening the husband awoke and wakes his wife and says: "Honey, I had the most amazing dream!"

Wife: "What was it?"

Husband: "In my dream I saw a Christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of pussys. There was tight ones, loose ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect pussy: it was tight and shaved!"

Wife: "Was it mine?"

Husband: "No, yours was holding the tree up!"

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping.

"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty|" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. A little while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior." But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ|" shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good." And Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half."

A husband and wife decided they needed to use certain phrases to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on their sex life.

The husband told his five year old daughter," Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad had said and her mother responded telling her young child, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

A few days later mom told her child," Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father and came back to her mother and gave the fathers response, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Every time I read this one, I think of The Simpsons where Grandpa Simpson says "I haaaad seehhhhhhhhhhx once." Then I think of an old woman who once asked my brother (he works in a hotel) where the nearest "Eggy's Hump Place" was. What she wanted was a chain of egg places called Humpty's.

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. ("The Horizontal Disco")

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

"Sure, why?"

"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"

A rooster and a cat were walking down the street. The sky turned dark and it began to rain. The sidewalk soon became very slick and full of puddles. Sure enough, the cat slipped and fell into one of the puddles. The rooster did all he could to keep from laughing at the cat, but he became hysterical, nonetheless, laughing long and loud.

The moral of the story: Wherever there's a wet pussy, there's sure to be a happy cock nearby!

***groan!!!***

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty." He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my 'kitty.'" I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.

The husband said, "No, not at all" and the wife then responded," Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

***yuck!!! but I bet you would have never guessed the ending!***

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a hand saw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I" points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forthin a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pullsdown his pants and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the hell is wrong with you dumb ass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

The man asked Bubba, 'I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice...'

Bubba laughed and said, 'Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!"

The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself.

Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and says, 'Bubba, is that you?'

These two jokes demonstrate how important it is not to use cute words for sex when explaining it to kids!

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are,the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"



There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mummy what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?"

Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

wait for it.............


wait for it..................


Are you prepared for this????????

here goes..........



She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave thebullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears."What's wrong" asks the mother."I was having a wee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years earlier.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out".

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years earlier.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom,"I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."