Blonde Jokes

Offensive to All



As part of our efforts to educate Americans about Canadian culture, we bring you the Newfie joke. Newfoundland was the last province to join Confederation in 1949. They had the choice of either becoming part of Canada or part of the US. They decided to join Canada, and became our national joke. No, seriously, Albertans are a national joke, but that's another story...

The Newfie joke is a very unique form of joke, usually in two forms. The first is the Newfie outwitting the mainlander:

What's black and blue and floats in the bay?

A mainlander telling a Newfie joke


Newfie Waiter: Would you like to try the beef tongue?

Mainlander: No, I do not eat anything that comes from an animal's mouth.

Newfie Waiter: Would you like an omelette instead?

The second form is making fun of a Newfie, such as:

How do you confuse a Newfie?

You put his welfare check in his boot.

Crude and cruel, yes. However, it is no coincidence that some of the best, brash and bravado humor comes from the Martimes, and I don't mean Anne Murray. Codco, with the "House of Budgell" and "Friday Night Girls" take full advantage of a peculiar accent and woes of Newfies.

A few members of Codco later created This Hour Has 22 Minutes, a no-holds barred satire on news programs. My favourite characters are the Quinlain Quints. Never mind that there's only four of them, it's hard not to love these dumb toque and flannel shirt wearing siblings.

All rightey then, on to these Newfie jokes sent to me by an actual Newfie:

You might be a Newfie Jedi if.....

1.You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be witt ya by*'."
2. Your Jedi robe is made of seal skin.
3. You have ever used your light saber to quarter a moose.
4. Both wings of your X-Wing are done over with sheet metal and rivets and are covered with polybond.
5. You have ever eaten bottled Ewok.
6. You have ever used a land-speeder to get away from wildlife officers.
7. The best part of spending time on Dagobah is the great weather.
8. Even C3-PO cannot understand what you are saying.
9. You have used Jedi mind tricks to help you drag off someone from the Sundance (Bar on George Street) and Breezway (University Bar).
10. You have ever used the force to convince a Human Resources Canada officer to give you unemployment insurance checks.
11. Your father has ever said to you, "Come on by' son, come on over 'ere to the dark side and have a Black Horse (Newfoundland brewed beer) witt yer old man."
12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to scare off mosquitoes on May 24 weekend.
13. You have ever used the Millennium Falcon to smuggle booze and cigarettes from St. Pierre (Island belonging to France just of southern nf coast).
14. You have a Newfoundland dog painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
15. You think Andy Wells (St. John's mayor) and Brian Tobin (nf premier) are part of the dark side of the force.
16. You have ever fantasized about Danielle House wearing her hair like Princess Leia.+
17. You have a trailer hitch on the back of your land speeder for hauling your trailer to gravel pits.
18. Chewbacca is the lead of your dog sled team.
19. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with snowmobile skis.
20. You were the only person drinking Newfie Screech during the cantina scene.
21. If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... tell me what the hell your mother's getting on with by'?!"

*A by is a boy, as in, "I's the by that sails the boat".
+Danielle House was the very beautiful and very former Miss Canada, until she punched another woman in a bar.

You know your from Newfoundland when....

- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

Newfies may be to Canada what Rednecks are to the Southern US, but until you've travelled frequently throughout Alberta, rednecks are not an isolated people. Weirdly enough, Ernest C. Manning's eugenics programs in the thirties seems to have missed a lot of "mental defectives". Just kidding, but the next time you're stuck in a place called Dog Pound or Cereal, you can't avoid feeling like "Duelling Banjos" is going to be heard vaguely in the distance.

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" says the redneck.

The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.

"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"SO YOU LIKE GUYS, Don t Ya ?"

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." (see! I told ya!)

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

What greeting card can you find only in Kentucky?

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. . . It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

[Christine: given the dismantling of Alberta's health care system, this might be a scenario not too far down the road!]

Two Texans were having breakfast at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady a few bar stools away turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo omelette too fast.

The first Texan said to the other "Think we orta' help?"

"Yep", answered the second Texan.

The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked,,, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no.

"Kin yew speak?" She again shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe with great relief. The first Texan turned back to his friend and said......"Funny how that thar Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.

"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."

"But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe."

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Page added May-19-1999